PHILADELPHIA—As Hurricane Irene rapidly approaches the northeastern United States, and in the interest of keeping the porn-watching public of the tri-state area alive, HotMovies.com has released an important list of hurricane safety tips.
“People in the American Northeast are not used to hurricanes,” said James Cybert, HotMovies.com Director of Business Development and amateur disaster expert. “It may be tempting to run outside and make a video for YouTube, but we highly recommend staying indoors for the duration of the extreme weather. Find something to fill your time. We recommend sitting safely at your computer, masturbating furiously.
“Remember, if internet service is disrupted, residents aren’t going to be able to stream our vast library of over 150k adult videos,” added Cybert. “Make sure you take advantage of our rental and download-to-own options before the storm hits.”
In all seriousness, Cybert and HotMovies.com understand the destruction Hurricane Irene has already caused and is likely to cause in the upcoming days. “It is, in fact, a depressing reality,” said Cybert. “It can be hard to handle emotionally. We recommend porn for that, too.”
It’s important that people in the affected areas are adequately supplied with water, food, bottle caps and any necessary supplies. Residents who are toughing out the storm indoors should be adequately supplied with porn, as well. Titles like Homegrown 647: Cock You Like a Hurricane and Storm Squirters 7 with Samantha Sin are tailor-made to provide hours of entertainment while mother nature destroys your community.