More Bacon, No Eggs (Part 2)
More from James Bacon's books Hollywood is a Four Letter Town and Made In Hollywood. Please pardon my reproducing Bacon's original slurs against gays and women; it was a sign of the times, even in the '70s:
"[Mae West] always receives me in her bedroom, in a nightgown, with her famous bosom prominently displayed. It is all there - the mirrors on the ceiling, everything conducive to making love. Mae is living proof that you are never too old for sex. She always has an ardent stud on call, usually a boxer or wrestler. At one time she had a big thing, at age seventy-five, with the University of Southern California's National Championship football team. The All-Americans were having such a good time in Mae's apartment that Coach John McKay made it off limits during the season."
"Richard [Burton] once, over a few drinks, bragged that he had batted a thousand with his leading ladies. From observation, I would say that was a little high, but maybe .900. On Ice Palace, he jumped everything that moved, including one fifty-year-old production assistant who is still eternally grateful. His most serious affair on that picture was beautiful Diane McBain, who played his granddaughter. She was an eighteen-year-old virgin out of Glendale, a town where they have a lot of virgins. When Richard turned his charm on her, she fell and fell hard...
"Once, in an apartment she shared with actress Sherry Jackson, she described to me how Richard had taken her virginity. Sherry, who once played Danny Thomas's daughter on TV, listened rapturously and sighed: 'What a way to go!'"
"I've had some wild drinking escapades with Mario [Lanza]. Once in the Polo Lounge of the Beverly Hills Hotel, he left Jack Keller, his press agent, and me and wandered down a corridor of the hotel. A door was open, and standing inside, packing a suitcase, was the ugliest girl anyone has ever seen. Mario, felling no pain, went in and gave her one of the nicest bangs any girl would want. He later explained: 'I felt sorry for such a homely girl.' The girl never filed any charges of molestation, rape or breaking and entering. No doubt, she packed her suitcase happily, knowing that she had just been jumped by the greatest tenor alive."
"Whenever I get out of town, people are always asking me: 'When you go to a Hollywood party, what do the stars talk about?'
"Well, other than themselves and their latest movie, they gossip a lot, backbite a lot, and invariably, sometime in the evening, the conversation will get around to the size of Forrest Tucker's and Milton Berle's respective cocks. In no place in the world is a large cock held in more reverence than Hollywood. Both men and women will listen in awe when you talk about Tuck and Uncle Miltie. As one who has seen both, I can command center stage at any Hollywood party.
"It's a tie between the two - and they both know it...
"Tuck primarily goes to the [Lakeside Gold Club] to play golf, which he does very well every day. He has a few drinks on the course - Lakeside has that bar on the ninth hole - and then comes into the clubhouse and has six or eight more with lunch. After lunch comes a massage in the locker room. He soon falls asleep on the table, which is not hard to do after eighteen holes of golf and eight or ten scotches. The masseur covers his naked midsection with a towel.
"And then the parade begins. Members with guests, especially with out-of-town guests, never fail to visit the sleeping Tuck. There's the lifting of the towel, and a lot of oohs and ahs, not to mention looks of envy...
"Milton, being more of a showoff than Tucker, and a nondrinker to boot, doesn't have to fall asleep. If you are a friend of a friend, Milton will display it. He's very proud of it, as is Tuck, and rightfully so...
"One day Joey [Bishop] came to Milton's dressing room and said, 'All my life in New York and Philadelphia I have been hearing about your cock. I gotta see it. Show it to me, please, Milton.'
"Milton, always the gentleman, whipped it out, knocking down two of his brothers in the full sweep...
"Milton and Tucker are both about the size of a small Missouri mule...
"But big as both these guys are, and there is no real young champion on the horizon, they are still an inch or two short of the all-time champ - O.K. Freddy. Freddy, long gone from these shores, measured thirteen inches soft. I once saw Lou Costello put a tape measure to it.
"O.K. Freddy was an extra in many movies, nearly every one that Abbott and Costello made. The two comics made sure Freddy got way over scale when he worked on their movies. They wanted visiting privileges for themselves and friends...
"Some famous hostesses - one great Golden Era star in particular - often hired Freddy as a waiter at their parties. His particular job would be to serve something like potato salad or regular salad in a wooden bowl. First the hostess would have a hole cut in the bowl and Freddy's cock inserted in the hole. Then the salad would be poured over Freddy's big thing.
"With all the guests tipped off to watch, Freddy would then offer the salad to some unsuspecting, madonnalike star or some pompous Bel-Air matron. What screams, as she dipped the wooden spoon deep into the salad bowl and came up with Freddy's monstrous cock.
"Those were the fun days in Hollywood, before stars started carrying briefcases and taking themselves seriously."
"Jimmy Caan once was a swinging bachelor in the Errol Flynn tradition, complete with a live-in playmate of the month ...
"One birthday, his younger brother, who lives with him, brought in a beautiful young chick and put her nude on Jimmy's bed with a candle sticking out of her twat - lit, too. Jimmy blew out the candle and jumped her. 'First time I ever fucked a birthday cake,' said Jimmy to me the next day."
"[Gary] Cooper's cock got him his next big break - the one that made him a star - in Wings.
"Clara Bow, the Marilyn Monroe of her day, once put it to me a little more innocently than that, but I got the idea.
"'Coop attracted me because he blushed when I teased him.'
"The two had a torrid romance, much to the dismay of his pal [Jack] Oakie, who had a secret love for Clara until the day she died."
"Mack's job with George [Raft] was friend and companion. It must have been one of the best jobs in Hollywood history. That's because George Raft only had one hobby in his life - broads.
"George, now eighty, once told me:
"'I never played golf. I didn't like cards. All I did was fuck some broad in the afternoon and then turn to Mack and say who have we got for tonight?'
"Over the years George had some lasting alliances - Betty Grable, Norma Shearer, and some other big names."
"Charles Laughton, who was a flaming fag, and producer Paul Gregory, now married to Janet Gaynor, had a movie property called Night of the Hunter, which Laughton directed and Gregory produced. [Robert] Mitchum gave a superb acting performance in it.
"But in the pre-production days, all three met at Mitchum's house for dinner and the drinks flowed, mostly in Mitch's direction. Finally, Mitchum took his cock out and placed it on a serving plate, poured catsup over it, and turned to his shocked guests and said:
"'Which one of you wants to eat this first?'"
To be continued ...