Kernes: They Never Give Up (v1.5)

Just in case you needed a reminder ...

NEW YORK CITY - Back on Nov. 3, the day before the presidential election, second-generation neoconservative William Kristol wrote in his New York Times column, "Barack Obama will probably win the 2008 presidential election. If he does, we conservatives will greet the news with our usual resolute stoicism or cheerful fatalism."

Let's just see how that worked out, shall we?

"The prospect of a Barack Obama presidency makes me very nervous," wrote neocon El Rushbo bro David Limbaugh sometime before (but published on) Nov. 4, just to get his readership prepared for the years to come. "For the past eight years, Democrats have slandered America as an imperialistic country that always prefers force to diplomacy; that attacks nations without provocation to enrich itself and to project its power; that intentionally targets civilian lives; that encourages sadistic torture of enemy prisoners, as opposed to tough interrogation techniques to extract information to save the lives of its people; that eavesdrops on private conversations among its citizens rather than monitoring terrorist communications into its borders; and that abuses rather than goes out of its way to accommodate the savages in Guantanamo's prison," adding, in deference to the mental abilities of his readership, "None of it is true."

Gee, I wonder what else Limbaugh wrote that isn't true?

"For eight years, Democrats have poor-mouthed the mostly growing economy... They've caricatured Bush as an unbending partisan who wouldn't reach across the aisle ... They've [told] us, falsely, that conservatives are racists, greedy, sexists, homophobes and religious bigots ... Barack Obama, with his mysterious past and messianic aura ... stressed how bleak conditions are, how unfair America is to the less fortunate and middle class ... [A]lmost everything about Obama's campaign is fraudulent ... He says he barely knows militants and radicals with whom he has spent his lifetime cavorting ... [A]re you not worried about our liberties under an Obama administration?"

David Limbaugh - whatta guy!

And that failed-movie-reviewer-turned-religio-reactionary-pundit Michael Medved predicted , even before the final vote tallies were in, who could expect sugar from an Obama presidency:

"Labor unions, trial lawyers, alternative energy entrepreneurs, gay activists, teachers, environmentalists, community organizers, university faculties, ethnic advocates, multiculturalists, feminist militants, welfare rights agitators and other liberal constituencies came together in enthusiastic support of the Obama-Biden ticket - and with the virtual certainty that they'd receive their payoffs from the new administration," he wrote. "Without exception, every important component of the Democratic coalition expects a direct reward from the government under President Obama."

And why did the Dems succeed?

"In the election of 2008, Republicans operated from the beginning under a profound handicap," Medved claimed without betraying even a shred of irony. "While the Democrats appealed to specific, well-organized constituencies with the prospect of taxpayer money and bureaucratic favor, the GOP tried to make arguments in behalf of the common good and the general welfare."

That would be McCain assuring everyone that "The fundamentals of our economy are strong," and Palin accusing Obama of "palling around with terrorists." "Common good" and "general welfare" - right!

"Barack Obama is the Hugo Chavez of American politics," lied Doug Patton of GOPUSA, also on Nov. 4. "He is radical beyond anything we have seen come out of the Democratic Party before... Can't pay your mortgage (or don't want to)? Don't worry, Barack the Messiah will save you..."

But of course, Doug has a solution:

"Well, productive Americans, I say we take him at his word. He wants us to set aside one day to get him elected, I say we follow the example of John Galt and his industrialist allies in Ayn Rand's classic tome, 'Atlas Shrugged.' Let's just take the next four years off. If Messiah Obama is elected, let's just get on the gravy train and let him figure out how to provide us with everything we need - without our productivity to pay for it all. Let's just see how many tax dollars he can collect from us if we stop working for the government and let the government provide for us for the next 1,461 days."

Of course, the people he's urging to do this are the ones who make less - very often, a lot less - than $100K per year, and whose investments, if they have any, are tanking faster than the value of their houses ... which is to say, faster than the gas in the mammoth tanks of their SUVs - all thanks to Patton's heroes in the banking and investment biz.

"Let's all file for unemployment, collect a welfare check, sign up for food stamps, public housing and government health insurance and then spend the next four years sitting in front of our big-screen, flat-panel TVs plotting how to take back the Republic in 2012," Patton concludes.

What Patton is plotting, however, is how to reform the image of the Republican Party, which caused the current economic mess, and hoping he can spin enough talking points over the next four years to make Americans forget what screw-ups his heroes are.

"Conservatism always has been and always will be a force to reckon with because it most closely approximates the reality of the human condition, based, as it is, on the cumulative judgment and experience of a people," misassessed Tony Blankley, columnist for the Moonie-owned Washington Times, on Nov. 5, after quoting the first two verses of William Blake's "Jerusalem" (you've probably heard it; it's been sung on numerous episodes of Monty Python.) "[T]he Republican Party, our reluctant champion, naturally (if, in a few instances, unfairly) was held to account for two unpopular wars, manifest corruption and managerial incompetence, a collapsed housing market that resulted in a 20-50 percent crash in the home values for most Americans, and a financial crisis that threatens world prosperity and has reduced the value of the average American's stock portfolio by about 40 percent."

Well, since Republicans were only "unfairly" blamed for causing that "in a few instances" - meaning even Blankley admits they caused most of it - what should conservatives do?

"Our challenge is not to retreat to the comfort of self-congratulatory exile but to sweat and bleed - and be victorious - in the arena of public opinion."

Translation: "Spin, spin, SPIN our way to victory in '12!"

Say, remember in Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle, John Cho's "Harold Lee" character laments that people call him a Twinkie: "Yellow on the outside and white on the inside"? Well, meet neocon puppet Michelle Malkin:

"Sorry to break the bad news to Joe the Plumber. But the winner of Campaign 2008 is Peggy the Moocher," she wrote the day after the election. "Why? As she told a Florida reporter on a YouTube video that has been viewed by hundreds of thousands: 'Because I never thought this day would ever happen. I won't have to worry about putting gas in my car. I won't have to worry about paying my mortgage. You know. If I help [Obama], he's gonna help me.'"

Quick poll: Raise your hand if you thought voting for Obama was going to get you free gas and/or free rent/mortgage payments for life?

What's that? No takers? Then maybe Peggy is just a regular asshole that Malkin has hyped into some sort of Democratic spokesperson so she can post shit like, "You can't blame Peggy the Moocher for viewing Obama as the superior Santa Claus [w]ith a relentless messianic campaign, a grievance-mongering wife touting him as the country's soul fixer and a national infomercial promising to take care of every need from night classes to medical bills to rent and fuel-efficient cars."

So which is that? The "resolute stoicism" or the "cheerful fatalism"?

That same day, we got our first invitation to attend the 2009 Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC), with chairman David Keene assuring that his hero, Ronald Reagan, was right in 1975 when he said, "It is easy for us to be discouraged, as pundits hail that election as a repudiation of our philosophy and even as a mandate of some kind or other. But the significance of the election was not registered by those who voted, but by those who stayed home. If there was anything like a mandate it will be found among almost two-thirds of the citizens who refused to participate."

Guess what, Dave? The election was "a repudiation of [y]our philosophy" because your philosophy is the reason things are so fucked up now that even the adult industry's sales are off over 30%!

One guy who cheered Obama's election, also on Nov. 5, was Rev. Barry Lynn of Americans United for Separation of Church and State.

"James Dobson, Tony Perkins, Richard Land and Company did everything but declare Obama the Antichrist," said Lynn in a press release. "In the end, they kept their own flock in line, but the majority of Americans were unmoved. On Jan. 20, the Religious Right's eight-year run of the White House will come to a screeching halt."
But, "The Religious Right is not dead," concluded Lynn. "Those of us who value church-state separation must remain on the alert to counter the Religious Right's next gambit."

And as if on cue ...

"With the prospect of a liberal Democratic leadership taking hold on Capitol Hill, two evangelical leaders are counseling fellow believers to stand firm in defense of Christian liberties and freedoms against the possibility of radicals in Congress overreaching their power," wrote Chad Groening and Allie Martin for OneNewsNow, the bloated house organ of the American Family Assn.

"They need to point out the mistakes that Obama makes when it comes to overreaching," said ultra-Baptist Dr. Richard Land.

"We are going to see, I think, unprecedented attacks against our faith through measures like the hate crimes [legislation] to the Employment Non-Discrimination Act," warned Family Research Council president Tony Perkins. "We're going to see attacks on innocent human life through the Freedom of Choice Act, trying to erase all the gains that have been made in the pro-life movement. And I think even our freedoms are going to come under attack."

(He means fundamentalists' "freedom" to prevent old people from dying with dignity, their "freedom" to prevent women from deciding whether they want to stay pregnant and their "freedom" to force gays to remain second-class citizens.)

And what's the Democrats' plan?

"Already, the new radical regime in Washington, D.C. is planning their first legislative attacks on America: Huge increases in payroll and income taxes; Redistributionist 'share the wealth' policies; Repeal of the Defense of Marriage Act; Forcing faith-based groups to hire gays; Repeal all state regulations on abortion through FOCA; Require taxpayer funding of abortion through Medicaid; Block all efforts to 'Drill Here, Drill Now' in America; Impose universal health care through job-killing employer mandates; Appoint activists [sic] liberal Supreme Court judges; Kill conservative talk radio by re-instituting the 'Fairness Doctrine'; Require comprehensive sex education from the earliest grades in public schools; Enforce bilingual education in the public schools; Allow convicted felons to vote; [and] Take secret ballot voting away from workers deciding on whether to unionize," claimed Michael Reagan, adopted son of Ron and chairman of the newly-formed, assuring his readers that, "The list goes on and on and on..." and "Please make your check payable to: Policy Issues Institute, Laguna Niguel, CA 92577."

And in case there was any doubt:

"Conservative Movement ‘Will Rise Again,' Veteran Activist Pledges," according to the headline atop the Nov. 5 story by "journalist" Pete Winn of the former Christian (now "Cybercast") News Service (CNS).

And which "veteran activist" would that be?

"The disarray of the conservative movement is the fault of George W. Bush and his advisor Karl Rove," charged Phyllis Schlafly. "I guess it turned out that he was not a conservative after all. He was a big government, big spending, globalist, ‘New World Order'-type of Republican."

Wow! Who'd'a guessed? And it only took them eight years to figure it out!

But fortunately, Schlafly did figure it out, and of course, she's got the solution:

"Sarah Palin is certainly a rising star - she was a breath of fresh air, and a lot of excitement to the conservative movement. I think she is a genuine conservative," Schlafly added. "I think that most of us are interested in rebuilding the conservative movement. She will have a role to play in that."

Ooh, and guess who else liked her?

"Indeed, the only good thing about McCain is that he gave us a genuine conservative, Sarah Palin," wrote bulimic harridan Ann Coulter. "He's like one of those insects that lives just long enough to reproduce so that the species can survive. That's why a lot of us are referring to Sarah as 'The One these days."

"Like Sarah Connor in 'The Terminator,' Sarah Palin is destined to give birth to a new movement," Coulter continued. "That's why the Democrats are trying to kill her. And Arnold Schwarzenegger is involved somehow, too. Good Lord, I'm tired."

And insane, but who's counting?

Yes, it's time for "new leadership" in the Republican Party ... and who should know that better than the old leadership?

"Republicans have lost minorities, the young, and have increasingly lost educated voters," former Bush speechwriter David Frum said . "The Republican strategy that has been intensifying is extracting votes from a dwindling category: the middle class, lower-educated people. That's why ‘Joe the Plumber' was so popular among Republicans."

[Reactionary fundraiser Richard] Viguerie, with [and creator of early Republican mass-mailing campaigns], scoffed at Frum's analysis.

 "The Republican Party folded under the neoconservatives and created a monstrosity, now they are trying to disavow their parentage," Viguerie said. "Frum was part of that, whether domestic policy or foreign policy, advocating big government. America is rejecting them. Congressional Republicans have not governed as Reagan."

Actually, Americans rejected pretty much all Republican policies, and would have rejected more of them if they had been more widely publicized and analyzed ... but of course, that's not how the conservatives see it:

"As the dust settles on what many are calling an 'historic' election, the soul-searching has already begun in Republican circles on how to rebuild," wrote Republican financier Bobby Eberle, founder of, an online Republican propaganda organization. "Let us be clear: the Republican Party is in shambles, and a top-to-bottom house-cleaning is in order."

"But, before we simply 'throw the bums out'," Eberle continued, "we must understand exactly what went wrong and not be misled by the media or certain political pundits. The Republican Party thrives (as does America) when it is driven by conservative ideals and a reformist vision. Step away from that recipe, and the Republican Party becomes 'Democrat-light,' and we all know where that has led."

"In watching the election coverage on Fox News [where else?!?], one particular topic was discussed over and over again. The question was posed, 'Is America, which has generally been a center-right country now turning into a center-left country?' The answer is an unequivocal NO. We are a center-right country which was governed by a center-left Washington. When things went bad in Washington, and Americans started looking for 'change,' most legislators with an 'R' next to their name became a target. The center-right country wanted center-right government, and the Republicans didn't deliver. Period."

Better make that a semi-colon, Bob. While it's true that Americans generally describe themselves as "center-right," when asked about their views on various issues such as repeal of tax cuts for the wealthy and near-universal health-care coverage - all "liberal" positions - the majority are in favor of them. And when Democracy Corps, a Democratic polling group, released a poll on November 7, it showed strong support for the progressive positions that President-elect Barack Obama advocated, and for most questions that juxtaposed a clear progressive view with a clear conservative view, the progressive position was more popular.

Similarly, Family Research Council's Tony Perkins assessed , "I think conservative values continue to be something that a large number - if not a majority -- of Americans identify with. I think the brand problem is a Republican problem... I think that as long as there are people in this country who care deeply about the values that dictate the environment in which their children grow up, the conservative movement will be strong."

Still, the election had only been over for two days when Ben Shapiro of wrote of the meaning of the result, "Barack Obama was the vessel for that movement. He was an utter cipher. But he embodied the need of the American public for unity by hearkening back to the ultimate unifying feature of American life: third-grade slogans. He spouted Hope and Change. He told us, 'We're All Americans.' He told us, 'Yes, We Can.' From any other politician, it would be ridiculous drivel. From a black candidate, it was inspiring."

Hmmm ... you're not a racist, are you, Ben?

But in a story that received incredibly little coverage, Republican conservative and religious bigwigs hurriedly gathered for two big meetings at Brent "Bozo" Bozell's house in Virginia the Thursday after the election, and's Amanda Carpenter characterized the sense of the gathering as, "Conservatives who attended the event believe Obama untruthfully campaigned on traditionally Republican issues, like tax cuts, and that the GOP must regain credibility on key issues, like spending, before they can begin winning again nationally."

"In contrast to all the talk about a mandate that President-elect Barack Obama has, he has nothing of the sort," said organizer Brent Bozell, president of the Media Research Center. "Why? Because Barack Obama did everything in his power to run on anything but the liberal agenda of the Democratic Party."

Gee, Bozo - I thought all you guys spent the entire campaign claiming Obama was a "liberal"! And as for his lack of mandate, the guy won by over 8 million votes - which is a fuck of a lot better than your last few candidates ever did!

In the aftermath of the Big Meet, the reactionaries' primary legal arm, the Alliance Defense Fund, issued a statement :

"Attorneys with the Alliance Defense Fund say they will be monitoring actions by the new administration and new Congress to see if they make good on promises to pursue damaging policy changes that will harm Americans."

 "ADF is ready to go to court to fight a vast number of leftist policies promised by the new administration and Congress," said ADF Chief Counsel Benjamin Bull.

Some of those include any attempt to repeal the "Defense of Marriage Act," which targeted gay marriage; any attempt to pass the Freedom of Choice Act, which would have eased abortion restrictions; the Matthew Shepard Act, which would add hate crimes to anti-discrimination laws; and the "Fairness Doctrine," which would force broadcasters to air opposing views on matters of public interest.

Well, there's a lot more ... but you can read all about it - and how Obama stole the election - in the latest issue of Newsmax magazine:

"Funny Money: How Barack Obama Bought the White House for $668 Million"

"Barack Obama and his team smashed all fundraising records on the way to victory, raking in a staggering $668 million. But some of that all-important cash came from questionable - even make-believe - sources."

"An intensive Newsmax investigation by investigative reporter Kenneth Timmerman - cited in a complaint by the Republican National Committee - uncovered numerous instances of questionable and even illegal donations."

"The Newsmax special report uncovered evidence that that Obama campaign raked in millions by allowing donors to exceed legal limits. Millions more flowed into his coffers from unidentifiable sources, including prohibited financial support from foreign nationals."

"And, astoundingly, nearly half of his total campaign contributions, over $300 million, came from donors under $200 - donor names Obama still won't release for public scrutiny."

"Newsmax magazine's special report 'Funny Money: How Barack Obama Bought the White House for $668 Million' offers an in-depth look at the questions surrounding the fundraising efforts that have forever changed American politics."

Plus, if you subscribe now, you get a free "Emergency Radio" - 'cause Lord knows, with the Democrats in charge, you'll need it!

Bottom line: If there's one thing progressives had better learn quickly, it's that the Republican Party — and particularly the conservative and fundamentalist branches of it — never gives up, and as a corollary, it also never stops running, both for political office and for the psyches of the American people. So anyone who thought that just because they resoundingly lost the election, they'd actually "greet the news with [their] usual resolute stoicism or cheerful fatalism," is deluding him/herself. These people — or at least the most insanely religious among them (and those are the hardest workers) — actually believe they're doing God's work in tearing down all the freedoms our forefathers (and mothers) stood for, and are preparing us for The Rapture , which they expect to hit any day now, taking all the good (Republican) people up to heaven and leaving all the bad (Democrat) people here on earth to live out Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins' "Left Behind " series.

It's this sort of (fairly widespread) insanity that's toughest to fight, because rationality doesn't face-off against sheer lunacy very well. Picture Albert Einstein going head-to-head with one of Ralph Steadman's creations . Dems would have to do a lot more acid to cope with that shit!


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