LOS ANGELES—Our trek down a long alleyway between two giant downtown L.A. warehouses in search of the location where Kevin Moore is shooting some porn for Smash Pictures this autumn Sunday afternoon reminds us of that scene from Goodfellas where Robert De Niro is pointing Lorraine Bracco down a similar corridor and she begins to suspect he's sending her to be whacked.
Not that this movie has anything to do with the mob ... though it does star at least one goonish type, by the name of Ron Jeremy. The XXX legend's role today is a judge presiding over a series of divorce cases. As is de rigueur with Ron, he's shown up accompanied by a cute little wisp of a girl about a third his age. She tells us her name is Allison, and asked how she found herself here with Mr. Jeremy, she replies, "We've been hanging out. Let's just leave it at that."
The scene we've come to observe gets underway after a whole lot of outfitting, still-taking and other necessary formalities. Its players are returned star Raylene and 2009 AVN Male Performer of the Year James Deen.
Judge Ron asks them what their problems are, and without looking at each other, they successively snarl:
"I hate you."
"I hate you more."
Deen then unloads this diatribe: "She never wears panties, your honor. It's vile and disgusting. We have white carpets, and her pussy drips all over the floor."
"That doesn't seem to be a problem with all the whores you run around with!" Raylene retorts, to which he shoots back, "They're not whores, they're high-class escorts!"
This particular vignette has a twist, it turns out, triggered by Raylene's exclamation that, "I give the best blowjobs out there, and you know it!"
"Yeah, your blowjobs are pretty good," Deen admits.
"They're great," she corrects him.
Before anyone can so much as utter "case dismissed," she's on her knees administering one of those great b.j.s to him, and the extras sitting in as court observers ... well, go on observing.
Moore cuts camera and instructs these onlookers, "You guys should be more nervous ... start standing up, look weirded out."
The camera starts back up, and they follow Moore's direction, rising from their seats and acting perplexed as Deen and Raylene go into full fucking atop the desk before the judge's podium.
As a capper to the scene, Moore has the now audience to the couple's spontaneous live sex show erupt in applause.
Of course, to this point, it's just the softcore version these diligent porn pros have been enacting. Now, they have to go through the whole shebang all over again, only with penis firmly planted in vagina. Hey, you know what they say: it's a tough job...
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Smash Pictures' The Divorcee hits stores two weeks from today, Jan. 28, 2010.