CHATSWORTH, Calif.—"This may be the worst birthday I've ever had in my entire life," Ron Jeremy told AVN in classic Ron Jeremy style today—upon which he has hit the big 6-0.
The man known worldwide as The Hedgehog makes a solid argument for his case: "I can't see what's worse! I get a nine-hour surgery, and I'm brought in again for another hour and a half because I was bleeding internally. Happy 60! I also got pneumonia ... happy 60! There will never be a worse birthday for the rest of my life."
"Turning 60 is spooky and not a lot of fun," he lamented. "But turning 60 after having a heart aneurysm is a huge piece of shit."
OK, we give up. Heard any good jokes lately, at least?
"Jay Leno, right after he heard about my problem, he says, 'Ron has just left the hospital, which is the quickest discharge he's ever done.' And then [Anthony Jeselnik] says, 'We want Ron to get healthy, and I know that the girls in porn want him to get healthy—it's all over their faces."
Ron noted that he's been paid some more heartfelt respects, as well. "I had a one-on-one with Harvey Levin, a real nice one-on-one," he said. "He wished me the best, he was really sweet. No jokes, no scandals, just, 'You got a serious problem, hope you do well with it.'"
And don't fret ... in spite of his frail condition, Ron said he will make his best effort to put in a little celebrating with his adoring friends and fans on this momentous milestone, at tonight's Porn Star Karaoke at Sardo's (259 N. Pass Ave., Burbank, CA 91505).
"The doctor said I could go out, but be really, really careful of being sneezed on, coughed on, don't take on any viruses," he relayed. "They want me to do that fist handshake. I don't know if I can do that."
Well, fist handshake or regular handshake, we're glad you're here so we can shake your hand at all and tell you happy 60th, Ron. And in honor of the occasion, here's a top 15 list courtesy of our own senior contributor, "Dirty" Bob, of tales from the Ron Jeremy operating room:
15) It took a while for the ER nurses to check Ron in as his dick was still outside parking the car.
14) Ron went through three head nurses before finding one who had her own kneepads.
13) Before surgery Ron nearly put the doctors to sleep while rambling about his mainstream credits.
12) Security guards were needed to keep out the hordes of elderly women asking Ron to sign their colostomy bags.
11) The catheter was not long enough; they had to splice two of them together.
10) The doctors insisted that Ron de Jeremy rum is not approved by the A.M.A. as an anesthetic.
9) When Ron awoke from surgery and found himself in a bed, he demanded his day rate.
8) Afterwards, Ron revealed that when he was unconscious, instead of seeing a bright light, he saw golden arches.
7) Prior to choosing a hospital, Ron called around to see what they were serving for dinner.
6) When the nurses tried to examine him, Ron said, "You can see mine if I can see yours."
5) The nutritionist was concerned that Ron's food intake would bankrupt Obamacare.
4) Ron tried to score some oxycontin using the name "Doctor Proctor."
3) "Trust me," said the surgeon wielding the large scalpel, "I promise I will only put in the tip."
2) To prep Ron for surgery, demolition specialists who defoliate rain forests were called in to help remove his body hair.
1) The anasthesiologist put a needle in Ron's arm and asked him to count backwards starting from 10. When Ron got to 1, he ejaculated.