JESUSLAND - According to Matthew Philbin of the Culture and Media Institute (CMI), Super Bowl XLIII was "difficult to watch with children." Was it because of the 250+ pound giants slamming into each other? Was it because of the bleeped obscenities? Was it because of the blood? Was it because he didn't have enough 3-D glasses for the SoBe and Monsters vs. Aliens commercials?
Of course not! It was because of the "porn."
The closest NBC Television came to porn was a spot they refused to run by People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) titled "Veggie Love," featuring quick shots of women in bikinis or lingerie licking and fondling vegetables. The closest thing this ad comes to nudity is a half-second shot of the back of a woman stripping off her negligee.
Here's what the NBC censors wanted cut before airing the ad:
* licking pumpkin
* touching her breast with her hand while eating broccoli
* pumpkin from behind between legs
* rubbing pelvic region with pumpkin
* screwing herself with broccoli (fuzzy)
* asparagus on her lap appearing as if it is ready to be inserted into vagina
* licking eggplant
* rubbing asparagus on breast
PETA refused, so NBC never ran it.
The other ad they didn't run was from the Catholic anti-abortion group Fidelis, which showed a sonogram of a fetus identified mendaciously as Barack Obama, claiming that even though the fetus was raised in a fatherless home by a single mother, it still grew up to be the first black President.
NBC rejected that one, not because it was an outright lie - that wasn't Obama's sonogram - but because NBC didn't run "issue advocacy" ads during Super Bowl ... and Philbin got bent out of shape because NBC didn't reject the PETA ad for the same reason. (Implying that women masturbating with vegetables is "issue advocacy"???)
But Philbin was really complaining about the ads NBC did run, starting with a couple from GoDaddy.com featuring sexy race car driver Danika Patrick. One scenario has a trio of teens using GoDaddy to "make anything happen" on their screen ... like getting Patrick to shower several times a day. Of course, none of Patrick's "naughty bits" are visible, though her back gets pretty good play as she drops her robe and steps into her "fifth shower today." Then the guys add a "German woman from the dean's office" to the scene, and according to Philbin, "viewers see a sexy blonde pop up in the shower with Patrick" - but again, no naughty bits.
GoDaddy's other ad that Philbin objects to has virtually no skin at all. It shows a bunch of sexy-looking women "testifying" before a congressional hearing that they have not "enhanced" - but Patrick admits that she's "enhanced" her image a little bit with GoDaddy.com. This admission gets a rise out of one of the busty brunettes at the table, who says, "I'll show you enhanced" - but the ad ends before she can actually strip off any clothing.
Other things Philbin objects to:
* Julia Roberts talking about getting "rug burn" in an ad for her "Romantic comedy/thriller" Duplicity.
* "Hints of lesbian sex" in an ad for the next installment of Universal's The Fast and The Furious series.
* Two Doritos commercials: One in which a (clothed) guy gets hit in the crotch by a heavy object; the other where a woman's clothes "fly off" (again, no nudity) and a cop is turned into a monkey from biting into a Dorito.
* An ad where a box of flowers not delivered by Teleflora says to their female recipient, "Nobody wants to see you naked."
* An NBC ad for tonight's episode of "Chuck," featuring a "scantily clad actress seductively crawling toward a man on a bed." Of course, unmentioned is the fact that this episode is NBC's experiment in 3-D TV, so the ad was bound to feature whatever "depth-like" footage they could find. Philbin also didn't like NBC's other ad for its new Thursday night lineup, whose theme was that viewers would wind up suffering from "Laugh Your Ass [sorry; ***] Off Syndrome."
* "Really offen[sive]," though, was the PepsiCo ad that intercut footage of a young Bob Dylan singing "Forever Young" with hip-hop versions of the same song done by will.i.am and Li'l Wayne, as well as other images from the '60s intercut with similar images from today. Complains Philbin, "Pepsi is cynically trying to link the notorious narcissism of the baby boomers with the Millennium generation." (Yeah, nothing narcissistic about today's youth!) He also laments that "it's using antiwar agitating to sell soda. Or maybe we're not supposed to be able to tell the difference between honorable service, protest and entertainment activities like surfing and concerts." (No, Matt; it's that the youth of the '60s and today's youth are both suffering from war and its implications for society.)
Of course, what's unstated in Philbin's diatribe is that none of the above are subjects he feels he can discuss with his kids; better to leave them completely ignorant about social and sexual issues until they're old enough to either get pregnant while single (female) or father a child out of wedlock (male), or even to see the funny side of sex (which for the Very Religious is always Deadly Serious) ... or think about the implications of war for society and ("God" forbid) maybe do something about it.
Nah; just sit back and enjoy beefy men (homo-erotically) pounding into each other. After all, blood can always be cleaned up; minds can't.