ABBOTTABAD, Pakistan—Okay, so the Navy SEALs are finally coming clean, and yes, Osama bin Laden was a whale. The hideaway-in-plain-site was stocked with porn. It figures. No one can spend five years in a dingy manse—young wife or not—without making a little time for pornography. Mullah Omar would have succumbed! Gail Dines would be pulling out the old credit card! No one stays chaste for long, not in Abbottabad.
But here’s the thing. Everyone knows Osama was loaded and probably not interested in messing around with BitTorrents, where you leave yourself open to discovery by one of the industry’s intrepid John Doe attorneys. Same thing with tubes—the last thing the number-one terrorist in the world needed was some GFY troll tracking him down through a reverse-IP lookup.
For his DVD usage, the old man might have considered sending a courier to one of the back-alley shops selling porn ripped from the good old US of A. But the quality no doubt sucked and the stores were being closed right and left under threat of death by those pesky Islamic fundamentalists. How embarrassing would it have been to get caught with a Jesse Jane vid that way, like some common pervert?
No, more likely than not bin Laden watched and downloaded internet porn using a credit card belonging to one of his couriers. At least one hopes so. The idea that the mastermind behind 9/11 would further erode one of the building blocks of Western culture by refusing to pay for his porn is simply too much to consider. (Of course, if it was his son's porn the likelihood it was paid for decreases dramatically.)
They said the hideout had no internet connection but one way or another—assuming the SEALs' tale is not tall—someone in that house was getting digital porn, and somewhere out there in the vast darkness a membership account exists that is about to lapse due to inactivity brought about by the account holder's sudden termination at the hand's of a Navy SEAL team... leaving an affiliate in the lurch.
No biggie. Chalk it up to just another daily hazard for your average patriotic purveyor of porn. They come and they go. Besides, bin Laden wasn’t the only porn-loving terrorist fish in the ocean. Not by a long shot.