In September 2008, less than a week after the Republican convention, there appeared an anonymous ad on Craigslist with this headline: "Need Sarah Palin Lookalike ASAP for Adult Film." The pay would be $2,000 to $3,000. And, it was duly noted, "No anal required."
This porn flick was to be shot in Los Angeles by a "major adult studio." The studio turned out to be Hustler Video. And no, Tina Fey did not apply for the job.
On one website, The Double-Oh Awesome Show, a blogger who was in favor of equal-opportunity irreverence toward vice-presidential candidates mimicked a screenshot of the ad with his own particular version: "Looking for a Joe Biden lookalike.... Hair plugs a plus. Must provide own dentures.... Some light anal (beads only)...."
An online magazine, 23/6 - whose slogan is "Some of the News, Most of the Time" - published a long list of possible titles for the porn flick based on Governor Palin's bizarre campaign, and invited readers to pick their favorite.
The suggested titles included The Fuck Stops Here, Land of the Midnight Cum, Juneau You Want It, Straight Cock Express, Northern XXXposure, The Maverdick, and, my own personal favorite, Not On My Glasses. Several readers sent in their own creative suggestions, such as Veep Throat, Pumping Crude, Hockey Mom Hookers, Six Months of Darkness and One Hot Mama, If It Smells Like Dead Salmon, It's Gotta' Be Sarah, and Wasilla Gang Bang: The Pussy May Be Free, But the Rape Kits Aren't.
The winner, with 23.09 percent of the votes, was Drill Baby Drill. The runner-up, with 22.07 percent of the votes, was Nailin' Palin. Maybe it was merely a coincidence, but the Hustler Video producers decided to title their political porn parody Nailin' Paylin. The main character is Serra Paylin. Like a satire in Mad magazine, the spelling is changed as a way of preventing a lawsuit for libel. Thus, there is a conservative TV commentator, obviously Bill O'Reilly, who is named Bill Orally.
The New York Daily News reported that "Larry Flynt is using the power of porn to express his views on Sarah Palin. The Hustler founder and Freedom of Speech advocate has produced an X-rated movie using an adult film actress who resembles the Republican vice presidential candidate."
TMZ, the bible of Internet gossip, revealed that her name is Lisa Ann, and that she would be "nailing the Russians who come knocking on her back door." Was that "back door" meant to be a cute little play on words? In any case, the governor does not have anal sex herself, but there is such a scene between her husband and an intern. In another scene, a flashback is described this way: "Young Paylin's creationist college professor will explain a ‘big bang' theory even she can't deny!"
"The video is in pre-production," TMZ stated, "but is being fast-tracked for release before the election."
The quick flick was shot over a weekend in October 2008. There were five sex scenes. In one of them, Serra seduces her husband's business partner. She lifts her skirt and starts rubbing herself through her panties. "It's time to drill, baby," she tells him. "Drill hard and drill deep. Come on, ya tree-hugging hippie! What are ya waitin' for, congressional approval?"
In another scene, Hillary Clinton ("Hilly," played by Nina Hartley) complains, "I'm so fucking tired of being bi-partisan. What's wrong with just being bi?" Serra and Hilly then indulge in 69, at which point Condoleezza Rice ("Condi," played by Jada Fire) walks in and joins them in a 78.
Nina, the veteran porn star and sex educator, tells me that "the big hullabaloo over the movie is being generated by feminists from both the pro- and anti-porn sides. They're up in arms that ‘women are being non-consensually satirized' by big evil porn, and the big bad Larry Flynt. The usual nonsense from the usual suspects. Even some pro-porn feminists are upset at Palin being ‘targeted' by porn. They conveniently overlook the fact that most porn satirizes white men in power: politicians, police, professors, etc. Most recent case in point: Gov Love: The Elliot Spliz-Her Story, starring Mike Horner as Splitzer."
And finally, here's an excerpt from a scene in my own porn movie:
JOHN McCAIN: If we get elected, I was hoping that our one-night stand at the governors' conference in Washington last February could happen again, this time in the Oval Office.
PALIN: Thanks but no thanks.
McCAIN: I remember you were so pregnant then.
PALIN: And I remember exactly what you said. "Let me baptize your fetus with some maverick juice." How romantic. But you were lucky I was already pregnant, because it would not have happened otherwise, since, as you know, I'm against birth control. Raising children is performing a task from God. And I believe that life begins before conception....
This article originally appeared in the January issue of AVN Online. To subscribe, visit AVNMediaNetwork.com/subscribe.