FT. WORTH, Texas—It can get pretty hot in Texas, especially in the summertime, so it's not surprising that the "breastaurant" chain Redneck Heaven would authorize a uniform for its waitresses that would save them from heat prostration—not to mention, give their customers a little boost: Body paint.
And it's even less surprising that the city councils of Ft. Worth and Lewisville would get a little hot under the collar about the near-nudity and be ready to pass ordinances against the practice.
Of course, it's all the fault of the bluenoses, some of whom complained in late June and early July that Redneck Heaven waitresses were serving customers in the parking lot dressed only in body paint and bikini bottoms, though some wore pasties over their nipples.
"We're quite shocked to see these young ladies weren't dressed," local resident Catherine Holliday said. "They had very scant bottoms on and their tops were painted. It's a restaurant that's between two family restaurants."
And that was enough for the Sex Police to leap into action.
On July 15, the Lewisville City Council voted unanimously to redefine its official definition of "nudity," which previously read, "nudity or a state of nudity is the appearance of a human bare buttock, anus, male genitals, female genitals or female breast; or a state of dress which fails to completely and opaquely cover a human buttock, anus, male genitals, female genitals or part of a female breast or breasts that is situated below a point immediately above the top of the areola."
The trouble, of course, was the word "opaquely," which the council didn't define until its July 15 hearing, at which point they added verbiage to exclude "body paint, tattoos, liquid latex, and dyes" from whatever definition of "opaque" they do come up with.
"It has to be some kind of material," said James Kunke, a city spokesman.
And if Redneck Heaven violates the new opaqueness doctrine? They'll be reclassified as an "adult business," which might just limit this restaurant's clientele (although reports are that its biggest profits are from the sale of liquor, so kids are already excluded).
Apparently, the body-paint uniforms were part of the business's "Anything But Clothes Day," which was meant to take its place among the restaurant's other themed days including "Bikini Mondays," "Electric Cowgirl Tuesdays" and "Wash Me Wednesdays"—and who could forget special occasions like "Hot Summer Nights Lingerie Parties" and "Naughty Nurses 2013"?
Of course, Redneck Heaven reveled in all the publicity it got from the city council's ruling.
"My girls made it in Cosmo!!!" Jenni, Redneck Heaven's marketing coordinator, wrote on Facebook. "The story is laughable at best. BUT this just means more people will hear about us!"
Then they're due for an even bigger boost when the Ft. Worth City Council takes up the issue, which will happen as soon as its staff drafts an ordinance with restrictive language similar to Lewisville's.
"If it's not a sexually oriented business and licensed appropriately, then all entertainers, servers, wait staff has to have opaque covering, and we're saying body paint and liquid latex is not it," City Councilman Danny Scarth, whose district includes a Redneck Heaven branch, told The Fort Worth Star-Telegram—even though Scarth has yet to receive a single complaint on the subject.
Pictured: Some of the costumes worn by Redneck Heaven waitresses.